Yes, it is contagious.

No, not the cancer, but the feeling bad.

Medical Records

My medical records look like the IRS code in hardback. People close to me know I act and operate healthy as a horse, but under the skin I am damaged goods with irritable bowel syndrome being the intense, stress-triggered reminder my body is not 100%. There are other irritants I have banished, most notably migraines. One (week's worth of) blog post we will discuss how to cope when caring for someone infinitely sicker than yourself.

Sympathy Pain

Even though it is psychosomatic, sympathy pain no less painful. Men get it when their wives are pregnant, especially morning sickness. Caregivers often feel the physical pain of the spouse fighting cancer. Just as the nurse asks you to rate the pain on a level of one (just noticeable) to ten (the worst pain you have ever felt), when you ask your spouse how he feels, be prepared to have your number go up with his answer.

Pets and Children

Just like the cat snuggles up to you when you do not feel well, and the dog insists on kissing your face and cleaning your "paws", your pets absorb some of the pain. Give some extra attention or perhaps a treat to console your pet.

In children, it does not usually manifest in physical pain but, instead, as emotional pain. Look for tantrums at even favorite activities and foods. Notice seclusion. It is a red flag your little one is hurting and is your call to duty as a parent to take action.

Depression

The single most common denominator for all cancer patients is depression, followed closely by major depression. From the moment of diagnosis, depression plays the part of the wet blanket...sometimes the wet, lead blanket.

Depression can cripple an otherwise healthy person. Imagine compounding it with catastrophic illness. Consider it exacerbated by a factor of ten.

Now, imagine depression of the caregiver. The point comes where there is no return from the cancer. Through the foggy fugue of depression, the caregiver is responsible for such cheerful activities as planning to distribute an estate, sitting at a bedside without acknowledgement of the patient and making funeral arrangements.

Guaranteeing the caregiver's mental stability is paramount to ensuring the patient's emotional state. It is only faked by the most Academy-awarded actors. The caregiver needs to maintain mental health to remain strong enough to care for the patient.

Insomnia

Insomnia is a symptom of mental health, medications and/or the lack of both. Do you know how easy it is to start a vehicle with a dead battery? Sure, some good Samaritan has a set of jumper cables, but you are the good Samaritan for your cancer patient. Without proper sleep, you will not and cannot give the quality of care your patient needs.

Your brain needs sleep to process information clearly. Have you noticed yet the effect of narcotic pain medications on your patient? You do not need insomnia putting you on par with him.

Talk to your doctor if you are not getting enough sleep. Based on your medical history, you may need vitamin supplements, sleeping medication, both or neither.

Germ Transportation

A cancer patient's immune system is compromised by the treatment, especially chemotherapy. Before you come in contact with your cancer patient: Scrub, change into fresh clothes, wear gloves/mask, spray an anti-bacterial agent on your shoes. What is a simple sinus infection to you will grow up to be pneumonia for your patient.

Who am I?

This is three fold: Your very own split personality.

First and foremost, you are a spouse who loves your patient more than any other persons trying everything in their power to heal your spouse.

Second and able to be deferred, you are a segue nurse. You can recognize symptoms which are unusual which a doctor or nurse may not know is unusual. You can take any level of professionalism your learning curve will sustain.

Third and most confusing, you are now your patient's spouse. As the medical team members come and go, you are not considered an equal in terms of intervention, interaction and information. Likewise, you are not considered your own entity, but rather a surrogate for what your spouse may not be able to understand or follow.

Where is the mirror?

Find a mirror and remind yourself. Whether you are looking into a compact or a puddle of water, look at yourself. Speak out loud.

"I am (state your name). I love (state spouse's name). This is the sickness I vowed not to defect, but to persevere. I am important to my spouse, who needs me. I am a whole person who is able to help."

If you do not think you can recite the speech, concentrate on the Spirit in your heart. The words will flow freely thereafter.

Chin up,
Ann Marie

Visit Virginia's Dream. International shipping available on request.