Yes, it is contagious.

No, not the cancer, but the feeling bad.

Medical Records

My medical records look like the IRS code in hardback. People close to me know I act and operate healthy as a horse, but under the skin I am damaged goods with irritable bowel syndrome being the intense, stress-triggered reminder my body is not 100%. There are other irritants I have banished, most notably migraines. One (week's worth of) blog post we will discuss how to cope when caring for someone infinitely sicker than yourself.

Sympathy Pain

Even though it is psychosomatic, sympathy pain no less painful. Men get it when their wives are pregnant, especially morning sickness. Caregivers often feel the physical pain of the spouse fighting cancer. Just as the nurse asks you to rate the pain on a level of one (just noticeable) to ten (the worst pain you have ever felt), when you ask your spouse how he feels, be prepared to have your number go up with his answer.

Pets and Children

Just like the cat snuggles up to you when you do not feel well, and the dog insists on kissing your face and cleaning your "paws", your pets absorb some of the pain. Give some extra attention or perhaps a treat to console your pet.

In children, it does not usually manifest in physical pain but, instead, as emotional pain. Look for tantrums at even favorite activities and foods. Notice seclusion. It is a red flag your little one is hurting and is your call to duty as a parent to take action.

Depression

The single most common denominator for all cancer patients is depression, followed closely by major depression. From the moment of diagnosis, depression plays the part of the wet blanket...sometimes the wet, lead blanket.

Depression can cripple an otherwise healthy person. Imagine compounding it with catastrophic illness. Consider it exacerbated by a factor of ten.

Now, imagine depression of the caregiver. The point comes where there is no return from the cancer. Through the foggy fugue of depression, the caregiver is responsible for such cheerful activities as planning to distribute an estate, sitting at a bedside without acknowledgement of the patient and making funeral arrangements.

Guaranteeing the caregiver's mental stability is paramount to ensuring the patient's emotional state. It is only faked by the most Academy-awarded actors. The caregiver needs to maintain mental health to remain strong enough to care for the patient.

Insomnia

Insomnia is a symptom of mental health, medications and/or the lack of both. Do you know how easy it is to start a vehicle with a dead battery? Sure, some good Samaritan has a set of jumper cables, but you are the good Samaritan for your cancer patient. Without proper sleep, you will not and cannot give the quality of care your patient needs.

Your brain needs sleep to process information clearly. Have you noticed yet the effect of narcotic pain medications on your patient? You do not need insomnia putting you on par with him.

Talk to your doctor if you are not getting enough sleep. Based on your medical history, you may need vitamin supplements, sleeping medication, both or neither.

Germ Transportation

A cancer patient's immune system is compromised by the treatment, especially chemotherapy. Before you come in contact with your cancer patient: Scrub, change into fresh clothes, wear gloves/mask, spray an anti-bacterial agent on your shoes. What is a simple sinus infection to you will grow up to be pneumonia for your patient.

Who am I?

This is three fold: Your very own split personality.

First and foremost, you are a spouse who loves your patient more than any other persons trying everything in their power to heal your spouse.

Second and able to be deferred, you are a segue nurse. You can recognize symptoms which are unusual which a doctor or nurse may not know is unusual. You can take any level of professionalism your learning curve will sustain.

Third and most confusing, you are now your patient's spouse. As the medical team members come and go, you are not considered an equal in terms of intervention, interaction and information. Likewise, you are not considered your own entity, but rather a surrogate for what your spouse may not be able to understand or follow.

Where is the mirror?

Find a mirror and remind yourself. Whether you are looking into a compact or a puddle of water, look at yourself. Speak out loud.

"I am (state your name). I love (state spouse's name). This is the sickness I vowed not to defect, but to persevere. I am important to my spouse, who needs me. I am a whole person who is able to help."

If you do not think you can recite the speech, concentrate on the Spirit in your heart. The words will flow freely thereafter.

Chin up,
Ann Marie

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Sick and tired and tired of being sick.

You knew from the date of diagnosis the sick days would be closer together and more intense. Coping with involuntarily becoming a single parent with another "child" can be stressful.

Be reasonable in your expectations.

Reasonableness is likely the last feeling you are willing to identify in your daily routine. But the fact remains, he cannot help do some of the simplest things...and those will be the first you notice. The first one I noticed: The litter box. Far and away, it is the chore I enjoy the least. I would sooner scrub the oven with a 2mm camel hair paint brush.

Look for the silver lining. You have a new perspective to appreciate the things he did for you regularly. Take a minute to be thankful to and for him, verbally and in prayer. Do you need to ask forgiveness for not being more appreciative?

Be reasonable for what you expect, and understanding for the things you cannot expect.

Eat the elephant.

Anyone can eat an elephant if they do it one bite at a time. Some pieces will be tough and gamy. Chew those first., but reward yourself with a tender bite next.

When you get to the gristle, share the meal. You are surrounded with well-intentioned people who are asking what they can do for you. Smile and, with a sunny expression, proclaim, "Chores!"

If you are uncomfortable asking for someone to do your chores, ask them to keep you company while you do them. If they volunteer to help, the offer is coming from the heart...take it to heart and let them.

Does anyone have a catapult?

You know there are some things you simply cannot do. If it is something which must be done, recruit two or three sets of hands to help you or to just do it for you. If it is something which may be skipped, skip it. Before you do, find your reflection, forgive yourself for being human and remind yourself staying sane and healthy is more important than edging the lawn.

Escape.

You are the one who is caring for the home and all of the residents. Take a vacation from your responsibilities. How?

• Take a walk with your dog or your best friend.
• Drive and look at the countryside.
• Talk to your pastor or counselor.
• Write in your journal or blog.
• Read a book on the porch with a tea or a decadent slice of cake.
• Go to the batting cage.
• Get a manicure or pedicure or, better still, both.
• Meditate.
• Listen to your favorite disc.
• Take a hot bath or shower with the door locked and the telephone off.

Even if all you have is thirty minutes, use it to take some necessary "me time". Removing yourself from the rat race is the best medicine to thwart what consistently feels like you are wearing Gouda shorts.

Chin up,
Ann Marie

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Little pictures have big ears. -Archie Bunker

Children: small human beings who delight and confound simultaneously.

Traveling the path of cancer treatment with children is strange and enlightening. There are pitfalls which (when you cannot avoid them altogether) you need to remedy quickly.

Unexpected Behavior

Depending on the age of your children, this includes everything from crying at the idea of a class assignment to refusing to participate in beloved activities. Identify the behavior tentatively. Do not assume the behavior is necessarily attached to the illness, but never assume it is not.

Doctor visits/Hospital stays

Children can easily deduct going to the doctor or hospital means Daddy is not going to be at home to do all the things he does with them. Be certain to reinforce the doctor and hospital are both to make Daddy feel better, so he can come home and spend time with them.

Let the doctor and the home health professionals talk to your children about how they are making Daddy feel better.

Medicinal Side Effects

When you get out the spoon and the cough medicine, expect a different type of lemon-sucking face. Daddy's medicine makes him sicker than your child perceives he is. Cancer is not easy to see, like a scraped knee. How the medicine works is a complete mystery, unlike a cast on a broken arm. It is not unusual for children to want to forgo their own medicines when they see a parent seem sicker after cancer medicines, especially chemotherapy/nausea & radiation/hair and weight loss.

Explain medicine like food in the stomach. Children understand food in the belly early. The medicine goes in and makes the "hungry" go out of the cancer.

Loss of Interaction

Daddy does not feel well enough to be out in the yard throwing the tug-o-war ropes for the dogs or sit and magna-doodle with them. Some days, Daddy cannot even endure the 300th airing of the Disney movie du jour. Be sure to arrange one-on-one time with each child. Do not point out this is replacing "Daddy time".

Questioning Faith

Perhaps one of the hardest struggles is answering the question, "Why is God doing this to Daddy?" Use your faith to answer honestly. God is not "doing this to Daddy". God is bringing Daddy to Heaven, so He can spend time with him. Tailor your response to your child's level of understanding.

Consider having your pastor talk to the child about this as well.

Money Concerns

Financial concerns are often attached to cancer treatment. This is one of the issues you can avoid. Choose to have these discussions while children are at school, out of the house or asleep and definitely out of earshot. This should apply to all families, even those not dealing with a catastropic illness.

You are absolutely not alone.

Do not for one second believe you have to shoulder all of the burden of coping with your child's issues with this disease. The more people you have helping you reinforces the extended family support your child needs right now.

Talk to teachers and guidance counselors. Talk to babysitters and day/after care centers. Talk to church family, especially Sunday school teachers and the pastor. Talk to neighbors. Talk to your child's friends' parents.

They should expect behavior changes. Be certain they know how YOU want them to deal with outbursts. When the time comes for one-on-one time, allow some of these responsible adults to take you child for special time.

Talk to the other parents in your cancer support group. They can help you identify other issues they may have had and how they dealt with them. Allowing children from the group to play or study together gives them the opportunity to talk about how they feel without feeling like they have to explain it to an adult. This peer counseling is healthy and important.

Chin up,
Ann Marie

Picture: Veronica on Russell's shoulders touching the ceiling after attaching Christmas decorations to the vaulted ceiling beam.

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Video Games!!!

"How old are you?"

You have no idea how many times Russell asked me that before he figured out that I was just engaging in a distraction technique. Now, he tells me to go whack someone (in Mafia Wars).

While I am playing games, I am not thinking about anything except the motions of my hands and the images on the screen. Contemplate distraction...

• No worrying.
• No "what if".
• No stress.

Is there a secret to it? Well, of course there is. If there weren't, your psychiatrist would have told you about it and lost his fee.

Choose a distraction which builds self-esteem or confidence, does not cause anxiety or stress and engages or (in my case) disengages your brain. Need some suggestions?

• Video games where you play free style (no opponents or timers)
• Meditation (sense of well being)
• Exercise which does not cause pain (sense of self-confidence)
• Hobbies, especially ones which craft a finished product (sense of accomplishment)
• Visiting, especially someone who has no one else or is having a hard time (sense of perspective)
• Reading
• Driving with the window down or the sunroof open
• Bathing, especially using aromatherapy
• Massage or salon care
• Journaling, blogging or writing
• Pet care, brushing and petting

Need some things to avoid?

• Eating, and cooking unless you are doing it for someone else
• Drinking alcohol (It is a depressant.)
• Narcotics, prescribed or illegal
• Speeding
• Visiting people who contribute to your anxiety or stress

If you are stressed, how are your children feeling? Remember, children (and pets) are very attuned to your stress level. Since they depend on you, take care of their mental health as well.

Schedule regular exercise and social activities for and with your children. Use stress relieving deep pressure or massage while you speak to them. Cuddle.

Play. Yes, strap on an eye patch and make yourself a cardboard sword (or grab a pool noodle) and live the pirate life with your children. Who cares how ridiculous you look? Your children do. They know to trust your guidance when THEY can relate to your inner child.

So, when you are tired of being an adult...stop.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with return to the mental time when the only thing you worried about was being caught (even before the forensic science boom) putting the muddy shoe prints on your mother's freshly mopped linoleum.

Chin up,
Ann Marie

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Never stop talking!

We had an autism breakthrough this weekend!

We were on the way for a celebratory "Happy Birthday, Daddy!" breakfast at a local restaurant. Along the way, the road is lined with fields of horses and cattle, corn and pine trees, lakes and tractors. While his sister was busy pointing out the flora and the fauna, Nicholas was looking out her window at something entirely different.

He was listening to us talking to her as she pointed things out to us and watching like a tennis match between her and me as we talked. He wanted to play, too. As we passed a line of tanker cars parked on the railroad tracks alongside the road, Nicholas clearly said, "Train."

So, chalk up word number 18! Even if your child is non-verbal, you just keep talking. Talk about everything. Narrate everything you do. Identify everything you pass...even if all you pass is the cabinet, the bathtub and the rubber ducky.

While we do not have a locomotive to walk past at home, we do have a book we read regularly which identifies all the cars on the train. He may be acting like he is not paying attention all the time, but he is understanding.

So, keep reading. Read one book everyday for a week. For fun, read a second book your child picks out. Keep a record of what you read. You may just discover what interests your quiet little one!

No matter how old your child is, never give up on speech therapy and talking to your child. Even non-verbal children who successfully sign can learn to talk. I met a woman this weekend whose daughter began talking at eleven.

Celebrate and rejoice in every single utterance!

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What is a medical diary?

You've heard about medical diaries, but what really goes into a good one? While outlining what goes into a child's medical diary, you will soon see a pattern which can easily be applied to teens or adults with any medical or mental malady.

Keeping a child's medical diary will ensure that your child gets the proper medical attention in the fastest way by eliminating many avenues pursued in search of the best way.

The medical professional will have a complete history without compiling research from every doctor and hospital in your child's past. Why waste valuable time that could be the difference between life-saving measures and long term effects?

Preferred medical diaries will be bound editions that will not collect stray information or allow for information to be removed.

Begin with the basics
At birth your child begins to receive medical care. They will receive an APGAR score within sixty seconds of birth. Don't be surprised when he is five and his doctor asks you what it was.

Ask your nurse in the hospital to record his vital statistics at birth. The nurses will keep the diary in the nursery upon request. Include the following:

Place, time and date of birth
Hospital name
Attending pediatrician
Temperature
APGAR score
Audiogram result
Weight and length
Immunizations
Car seat test results (if given)
Tests and results

First trip home
Before the two week well-baby check up, note everything that you find. Much like a baby book, include any of the following:

Sleep pattern and total hours slept
Coughing or fever
Vomiting (not spit up during burping)
Excessive gas
Diarrhea
Date lost umbilical stump

Professional visits
Record everything from the first visit and all other professional visits that follow to doctor, dentist, nurse practitioner, psychologist, psychiatrist, orthopedic, dentist, optometrist or any specialist:

Doctor's full name, address and telephone number
Time and date of appointment
Vital statistics (blood pressure, oxygen saturation, temperature, weight, length)
All vaccines
Tests performed
Treatment received (fillings, glasses, hearing aids, orthotic devices)
Prescriptions (dosage, prescribing physician, pharmacy-with address and telephone number, pharmacist, prescription number)

Back at home
Over the next months and years, your child will change. Record everything that affects health, including the following:

First tooth (which one and date)
Loss of teeth (which one and date)
Fevers (temperature and duration)
Colds
Rashes (include diaper rash that occurs for more than 72 hours)
When and what new foods/juices are introduced
Changes in baby's reaction to light and sound
Childhood illnesses (chicken pox, measles)

Get the rest of the recipe for a great medical diary!

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No Disrespect from Children

Did you raise a smart aleck? It is not necessarily a bad thing. When your child is not just sarcastic, but disrespectful, there is a problem.

Children talk back to adults, especially parents, disrespectfully when they feel authority is unjust, unreasonable or unfeeling. This ten step strategy for dealing with children's disrespectful back talk works like a charm.

1. Respect.

~Earn it, and then demand it from your children once you have it. Respect their right to an opinion by listening to what they have to say. Make it obvious that the reciprocal is expected.

2. Educate.

~Let your children know that there is a respectful way to voice opinion and dissent. Show them how to employ it by example. Rather than saying, "Your suggestion is stupid," try saying, "I think we need to reassess what you suggested because some of the foundation information is incorrect."

3. Enlighten.

~Show them how they react to being disrespectfully spoken to by speaking in like fashion. Show them how negativity cannot bring about a positive result. A video of their negative reaction is a better tool than parental acting skills, and far more persuasive

4. Discover.

~The source from which their disrespect springs. Is it an outside influence or you? Disrespect is most often a reaction to another's action, and negativity is contagious. Be objective in your own self-reflection because you may not see how your actions could cause disrespect. Repeat what you have said before a mirror for a good idea of how it sounded to them.

5. Restrict.

~Access to others who are disrespectful is counterproductive to having respectful children. Restrict that access. Negativity is contagious. Children and adults who are disrespectful to everyone as a reaction to being hurt by one person are not respectful influences on your children.

6. Question.

~Why has your child chosen that manner to speak to you? You have already self-reflected and looked at other sources. Go to the horse's mouth. Ask you child, point blank.

7. Listen.

~Your child will answer this question. Listen very carefully. Maintain eye contact. Sit in a receptive posture. Actively listen. Respond appropriately to what is said. Before you defend your position, be sure it is defensible.

8. Reverse.

~What will it take for your child to be more respectful? Ask your child. By respecting the fact that your child feels slighted, you show your willingness to help rectify the situation.

9. Help.

~Take your child's suggestions and incorporate them into your parenting style. This is the ultimate act of mutual respect. Provided your child provides a viable reason for being disrespectful, you can implement tactics like waiting two minutes before you respond to give him a chance to amend what he has said or making appointments to talk about matters once tempers have cooled.

10. Enjoy.

~Your respectful children will bring you joy. You have cultivated a mature and respectful relationship with your children. Most importantly, you have taught them how to build respectful relationships with others.

Caution: If you have not taken steps 1-3, you will definitely have to take 4-10. The first three tips will help you never have to determine a punishment for disrespectful children. They will not talk back to you or any other authority figure disrespectfully.

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Teach Your Teen Wise Money Management Habits

Learning about earning and paying is a lesson that cannot come too soon for a teenager. I have found the best way to teach money discipline was to open an account in "Bank Mom".

When my teens got their first jobs, they brought their checks to me. I "deposited" the money into their computer checking account. They wrote their withdrawals into a blank check register I had given them. I had explained how to balance a checkbook.

Every time they spent (had money from my wallet), I debited their accounts. Soon, they began to see the correlation between "movie money" and the hours that had to be worked to earn the money.

This was the most important part of the lesson. It opened their eyes to the money we spent on their behalf.

Their first NSF fees taught them that overdrawing is not only bad for the budget, but bad for their credit. "Bank Mom" does not pay interest (allowance) for 30 days after having an overdrawn accounts. "Bank Mom" also does not lend money to persons with overdrawn accounts.

One or two loans from their loan shark uncle (who is the same age and charges 100% interest, per week) taught them how expensive borrowing money could be.

By seventeen, it was time to try it for real. I gave them the option of checks with or without a debit card. The oldest wanted that debit card. After her first NSF fees, she cut the card into pieces that would slip through a strainer. She has sworn off credit cards of all types. Now she is content to write a check for her insurance and purchase postage stamps from change in her wallet to mail it on time.

Our next learned from her sister. She meticulously balanced her checkbook every time she wrote a check, and at the end of each page, ciphered with a calculator to be certain she had not made a mistake.

She now has her first credit card, but keeps a check register in her purse to balance her card after each purchase. She has already learned to keep 10% of her balance available for such things as annual fees, interest, insurance and finance charges.

Both have been bombarded with credit card offers and loan offers from various banks and finance companies. Fortunately for us, they have politely shredded such junk mail. Both have learned to manage money.

Like every lesson your child will learn, some will have to be learned the hard way. At the end of the day, knowing that they are keeping their credit safe helps us sleep better.

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Identity Theft: Protect your Children

Protecting your child from identity theft is even simpler than protecting yourself. With a few basic precautions, your child can be assured that at 18, a clean credit slate will await.

1. Do not have the child's full name printed in the birth announcement. Make sure that the hospital announcement also does not include the middle names of the parents or the birthplace of either parent.

Identity thieves will often trawl newspapers for names of infants. Within three months of getting the name, they will apply for a replacement social security card for the child. Once they receive it, thieves are off to the proverbial races racking up debt in the child's name. Although this method proves more often than not difficult for the thieves, one success in fifty tries makes it worthwhile.

2. Do not copy your child's social security card or birth certificate. Never scan either of these documents and store them on your computer's hard drive. Worm thieves can get these documents while you surf the Internet.

If someone needs to see the card or the certificate, bring it in person. Do not allow them to copy the documents either. Most states have laws prohibiting the unauthorized copying of birth records. If an agency needs a copy, procure and present a certified copy from the Bureau of Vital Statistics in your state.

Federal law prohibits the copying of a Social Security card under any circumstance. Inform whomever believes that they need a copy that they may not have one.

3. Do not carry your child's identification in your wallet. Purse snatchers and pick pockets sell the identification to identity thieves. If you are going to a place where you will need your child's identification, transport it in the glove compartment and walk it inside in an envelope.

4. Store all of your child's identification in a fireproof box in your home. Home invasion theft of fireboxes is on a decline in the United States. To lower your risk, place the box in a kitchen or utility room cabinet where a thief is unlike to look for anything of value to steal.

5. Do not give out your child's Social Security number without knowing in advance: A. Why you must supply the number. B. How will the number be protected. C. When will the record of the number be destroyed. D. How many people will have access to the number. E. How will you be notified in the event of an information breach. If you feel that this is a legitimate need, and that they have answered your questions sufficiently, you may transmit the information verbally.

Be aware that health insurance companies prefer to have the social security number of the patient. Doctor's offices will ask for the information as well. Doctors collect this information to report non-payment only. You do not have to give your child's number to either. As the responsible party for the transaction, they may use yours to record any payment issues.

Most medical non-payment reporting is done on a patient basis. If the doctor's office has your child's Social Security number, the likelihood that your child's credit may suffer for any late payment you may make is more than tripled.

You have the ability to help secure your child from identity theft. Don't be afraid to exercise your rights.

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Blog on the move....

Check out the new publications stemming from this blog....

Kids & Cars: Child Driveway Safety Tips

Vehicle Fires: Why They Happen & What to Do

Seat Belts on School Buses: Why the Law Should Change

Read more content by Ann Marie Dwyer by visiting any of these links. Comment on what you read! Add a tweet to your twitter about VA's Dream!

Just a look ahead...........

More money saving tips
More environmental tips
More consequences to rising prices

After that, I will be beginning an in depth look into the plight of rural America. Stay Tuned!

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