Which one first?

Half of you would like the good news first. I prefer to end on the better note: My own version of the spoonful of sugar.

The bad news first.

While we battle cancer here, at home another family member battles at nearly the same place. Mary Jo is my stepmother. Her Mother's Day news was not as wonderful as we would have hoped. Her PET scan and release from the hospital yesterday was difficult.

After a long bout with breast cancer, Mary Jo's PET revealed the cancer has metastasized to all of her major organs and her bones. She was released into hospice care.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch.

Russell will be the topic of conversation for the hospice caregivers and the oncologists. Russell has reached the point where the discussion is of a pain pump: Twenty four hour continuous release morphine. The mets delusions now get him out of bed to take care of things which are only real inside his head.

Now for the good news.

I will be posting a picture at the conclusion of Momma and Poppa's stay of yours truly climbing a tree, provided Momma used my camera properly.

Yesterday, for my Mother's Day gift, we harvested oak trees and bluebonnets for my yard from the game preserve across the street from my house. We also harvested a specific breed of pine tree which makes giant cones and has such long needles its branches have the look of pompoms. These will be Momma's take home gift from South Carolina.

Buds which arrived on Friday in anticipation of Mother's Day pushed out double-bearded blue irises by Saturday. Sunday brought Asiatic lilies opened wide like a sailor's sunrise.

I am not yet a grandmother, you see, that would not have been a grand Mother's Day present. My angel still has 2.5 weeks to go. Do you think she will make it? What if I told you that picture was more than a month old? Did that change your answer?

Even though the pop-up timer is fully extended (her navel), Caden needs to stay put at least another week. We would be happiest with two.

Chin up!
Ann Marie

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Changing to Something Better

From the last post, you know the mets in Russell's brain are getting significantly worse. For those of you who are new, it has been progressing over the last month.

Yet Another Prescription

This one will take the place of his normal anxiety medicine. For all who take medication, each time your doctor proposes you take a medicine, ask him which medicine it will replace and why it is better for you than the one you already take. This is especially necessary for children who take everyday prescriptions.

While this medicine is far stronger, it also takes care of quite a few other things: Some of the tremors; some of the overactive dreaming which interrupts sleep (his and mine); some of the chemical imbalance in his brain; deactivating some of the neural pathways which make his brain function improperly.

More Hands

With the arrival of Momma and Poppa, I have more hands to complete tasks left neglected lately. One more task was added to my itinerary last night...a trip to the pool with the children. Never, ever underestimate the power of water to produce sleep in children...never.

More Eyes

With Poppa and Momma being able to watch out for Russell, I can spend today in the yard ensuring the pooches stay in the yard all the time! What a relief it would be to have them outside on a permanent basis!

It is all about family.

We are a unit and work in the same manner as the military. We are cross-trained to do jobs for one another and watch out for jobs which otherwise might fall through the cracks. Most fun, I am scheduled for a hairdo and a nap. Family is great!

Chin up!
Ann Marie

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The Mind is Willing?

We know the body is weak. What do you do when the mind joins it?

Somewhere in the Middle

Metastatic cancer added to massive amounts of narcotics produces bizarre brain patterns. With cancer having breached the spine, entering the spinal fluid, some cells have traveled to the brain. There, they interrupt normal brain function.

Memories are mistaken for current events. Dreams find their way into conscious conversations. Current events mimic dreams. Then, there are the moments which are scary.

Talking during sleep is common on narcotics, especially the powerful cancer treatment pain relievers. They are not your mother's aspirin, after all.

When the sleepy conversation is between Russell and his parents, both of whom succumbed to cancer years ago, I have to wonder how close to the light he is treading.

What you heard was not what I said.

To quote Russell: Did you walk to work or bring your lunch?

If you ask a question and the answer is not only off topic but unintelligible, you have to wonder, "What is the difference between a bat?" (George Carlin)

While this was the exception two weeks ago, today, it is the rule. Simple conversations are becoming increasingly difficult.

This is the condition which follows (but not replaces) the memory loss. Overall, it is far more difficult to overcome. Memory loss is solved by repeating the conversation. The confusion is not so easily to explain sufficiently for anyone to understand.

Who are you?

As children, calling someone by the wrong name was cause for giggles and name calling. Calling a spouse by the wrong name can be hazardous to your health. When your spouse has to call more than three names to remember yours, "disheartening" is a lackluster description of the feeling.

Even the healthiest person can confuse children's names (especially when you have as many as we do). Calling girls by boys' names (and vice versa) is a far cry from the first scenario.

Remember what matters.

Love is what matters. Cancer cannot erode your love for your spouse. It allows you to forgive misspoken words, emotional outbursts and deafening silence.

Stay strong,
Ann Marie

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More of the Same?

Over the last two weeks, the deterioration of Russell's spine has rapidly increased. With it, the cancer presses against his spinal cord and the remaining vertebrae. This pressure causes radiating pain down through his ribs, wrapping his torso in a vice-like grip.

And the doctor says...

More of the same.

• A large increase in the pain patch dosage.
• Although the dosage on the oral pain med was doubled two weeks ago, the doctor ordered another administration and added 20 extra pills to cover the next 15 days.

So, that changes what?

• The stronger transdermal dosage will cut down the number of patches I need to keep on him to combat the pain...we can come down to two at a time.
• I now have to wake him up in the middle of the night to give him pain med.
• Already it is easing his pain, even if it makes most of what he tells me or asks me only occasionally coherent.

Coming Full Circle

Just like a newborn, he needs care every two to four hours. Anyone would hate going from professional athlete to the shell of person for whom I care today. Day by day, and now hour by hour, ability slips away as quickly as it amassed in childhood.

Making Sure to Remember

Just as the morning "pretties" and the goose-down news are important memories, each day I grow to cherish more the present I demanded for our last wedding anniversary.

Family portraits of a time when we were healthy and happy.

Do not underestimate the joy pictures bring later in life when you look back fondly on the happy times. Do not underestimate the power those happy memories have to erase the sad memories at the end.

Celebrate with your spouse, your patient. Celebrate with your children, family, colleagues and friends. Make the most of each day by dancing like no one is watching.

Write that down!

As I have done here, take the time to write down the happenings, changes, successes and everything else. Why? Someone may be helped by what you write, whether in a similar walk to yours or a problem far removed. You may be passing strength to someone in need, even when you feel you have none of your own.

Time to dance,
Ann Marie

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