Tomorrow, we face the doctor's look at the results from the CT scan from last Monday. Today, Paige, our home nurse, came to take blood for what I hope will be the last time.
Russell Speaks
During the morning quiet while the children were at school, Russell and I talked about some things which bear on when he will not be here to make such decisions.
"Are you going home?" Some of you know we have been trying to escape South Carolina since the children began school (a whole other blog entirely). Russell had wanted to get me and the children home (Louisiana) before the end came. I hate to hear him apologize for it.
"Are you sending me home?" I am sending his ashes to be interred with his parents. Russell is returning to New York, but not the way he wanted to go. He had planned on returning one more time to say goodbye to the big girls, the big boys, his sister, cousins and nieces. Now, that is no longer an option.
"Why are you still here?" Because in my love for you, I vowed to do just this.
"I'm scared." Hand over the fear: I have a garbage bag to tie up.
"How are you holding up?"
I hear this question at least once per day. Some days my answer is a typically sarcastic, "With both hands." Other days, it is a not so pithy, "I am doing."
I begin everyday with both eyes clearly open.
I laugh with my husband every chance I get.
I tell him I love him every time his eyes open.
I hold my children tightly when they first wake up, come home and before bed. I assure them both of their parents love them.
I find moments when the children can spend some good time with Daddy.
I write.
If I miss tomorrow, forgive me in advance. I am not sure how tomorrow will affect me, but I promise to return to let you know.
Chin up,
Ann Marie
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