Now what do I do?

There comes a time when the only thing left to do is watch.

You have made the bed as comfortable as possible. You have administered all the meds. The sponge bath is over. Meals are complete. Your part is done.

But the pain remains. Emotionally, this is one of the most difficult parts of living with a spouse with a catastrophic illness.

It is not about me.

When helplessness sets into your psyche, the number one thing you must realize is:

This is not about you, but about your spouse.

To protect your mental health:

Schedule regular breaks from the action...even if the action is watching your spouse sleep. You need the alone time to process the enormity of impending death. And you have to face this enormity on a daily basis. It is not a one time feeling at the time of diagnosis. Some days, it will be stronger than others. For the sake of your spouse, be strong enough to say, "I need a break."

Break normal chores (the ones piled on top of spousal care) into tiny pieces. If you can only manage one load of laundry or one sink of dishes or sweeping one bathroom, that is perfectly fine.

When someone asks you, "What can we do for you?" Answer: Dishes. Mop. Vacuum. Grab something from the grocery or the pharmacy while they are out on their own errands...whatever it is you may not have finished. Anyone can do these jobs. They will be more than willing to do them for you while you take care of what they cannot: Your spouse.

Use every single hand extended to you...all of them. The sweetest little handicapped lady asked what she could do for me. My answer: Stop by my daughter's grave and place a flower from your yard. I have not been able to go the quarter mile to the graveyard in weeks. This alleviated my nagging burden for leaving the trip untaken.

Things look different.

When you have others helping you take care of the mundane things which would consume every waking hour if left to their own devices, you have the emotional and physical strength to alleviate pain, spend quality time with your spouse and be fulfilled in knowing your life is not crumbling outside the bedroom door.

Next we will talk about the physical upkeep for...not your spouse...yourself, so you can actually be an asset to your spouse.

Chin up,
Ann Marie

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